Moody me

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I am having one of those anxiety attacks today. My heart is beating fast, my pulse racing and my mind can’t seem to stop thinking about so many things. Even as I am typing now, I am having this feeling of agitation.

Too much caffeine? I don’t think so. I want a puff right now just to ease my anxiety. It started yesterday when I woke up. And I still wasn’t able to shake it off me until now.

 Working has helped me in so many ways to conquer my depression but sometimes, I still feel the blues. I don’t know, maybe I need my

medication again. Flouxetine and Lorazepam. I am lucky to have my co-worker/boss listen to me, just like a therapist but somehow, I try to limit my blabbing because she might get tired of listening. I wish I could talk to my doctor right now but I can’t afford it. That’s just isn’t in my list of priorities. But sometimes I thought that I ought to save up for it to save my sanity.

 I don’t understand my moods. Two days ago , I was very positive about life and now, I’m thinking about so many negative things. This morning I was so high on happiness talking with everybody here, but now that I am alone, I suddenly feel so lonely and down .I don’t want to go back to my depression days when I was on medication. As a side effect, I was paranoid most of the time, and I was having auditory hallucinations. I thought I heard people talking or babies crying but it was all in my mind. I thought that  I was over with that stage, even though I wasn't able to finish the 6-month medication because I got pregnant. I thought that if I changed the way I looked at life like what my husband said, I would be able to overcome all these things that are happening to me. But it didn’t , because depression is an illness, not a state of mind.

Some people say that they understand depression or us, who has depression disorder, but , I think that no one will really understand it to the truest meaning of the word, if they haven’t been there. Why am I even mentioning this and seems to be open about my depression? I am not ashamed to admit that I suffer from that. And I have seen and experienced the consequences
of an untreated depression. I want the world to be aware that this is a disease that kills especially the spirit , destroys  relationships and changes your whole being.

Thank God for modern medicine. But relying on the medicine isn’t enough. The will to be well also counts.

 I want to be well, that’s why I am striving to. But the road to happiness and wellness seems long and winding and along the way are numerous obstacles. But I see the bright new day looming on the horizon, I just don’t know how to get there... yet .

 Below are the list of things that I sometimes do to conquer my anxiety or depression:

1. Cutting.
   No, not cutting your own skin (I did that before too! ) , but cutting
   paper or anything. I find it so therapeutic and calming. Even if your mind
   wander while you cut, it still has it’s calming and relaxing effect.


2. Coloring or sketching. Just doodle away.


3. Make paper beads out of brochures or colored hand-outs .(that’s where your
   flyers went!)


4. Make a journal. Blog or write anything or whatever is on your mind and heart. This
   is what my therapist recommended for me to do when I have no one else to
   talk to.


5. Pray. Need I say more?

 

 

For more information on depression and anxiety. I recommend this
sites http://www.allaboutevenetwork.org , http://www.depression.org