Stressed Out!

I feel so guilty of being mad today and I feel sorry for my kids that they have to see me in this condition. They've done nothing wrong, but just be kids. I can't really help it. I am trying my best to relax, but somehow anxiety is getting the best of me. I know in my other blog, I try my best to think positive at all times, to be happy and to tell the world of the state I am in right now.But that's not exactly how I feel. At some point yes, but for most of the time,this. I feel the pressure of having to be the prefect mother, so that no one can take my kids away from me. But at some point, I pray to God to take them away from me if He will allow me to hurt them in any way.

I know my kids do not understand me, but I do not know how to explain them of the mood swings I have. Lately, the mood swings have been frequent. Maybe because there's been a sudden change in my life , and I am anticipating a bigger change. If there's one thing I can't handle it's sudden changes in my lifestyle. I need at least a month to settle to the idea, to let it sink in me so I can make the necessary changes needed from me.

My life is a big lie right now. I tell people how great I feel. What they don't know is that I feel like i am sinking in a quicksand, and struggling to survive.

I want to hug my kids and tell them the truth so they'll understand me, but I don't think they will.They're just too young for me to destroy the image of the good mother they have of me.

How can I stop my nerves from trembling, the things that are in my mind all the time. I have started to lose focus with the things I am doing at work. Two weeks ago, I was in a manic state of trying to do everything at once. My mind was full of ideas I don't know where to start. And then suddenly, bam! I feel so low, lower than how I felt high the past two weeks.

Can I really go on with my personal choice of stopping medication? Or am I risking my life and the kids' in this prerogative of mine. One thing's certain, either way, I am at the losing end. And my kids, I do not want them to go down with me. The only fear I have of putting them in their dad's care, is that he may be in a worse state than I am.

So I pray:

Father God, you're the only one who can deliver me out of this situation. Deliver me Lord and take away all the demons playing with my mind. I love my children so much. I do not want to see them suffer by what they see me go through. And I do not want them to be like me. Help me make the decision you want for me to do, for their sake. I pray that you bless me with extraordinary patience to be able to persevere through life. Help me see the beauty of life once more. I cannot go through this on my own. Help me through it. This is one big problem for me to handle. Take it away, O Lord. This is for you to solve. In Jesus' name. Amen



-Anne