An Awakening: How Psalm Helped Me Bring Back My Sexuality, Sensuality and Self-Love

Photo: Urban Milan

I am writing this post in honor of a woman who influenced my life in a big way. I may not have known her personally, but her teachings awakened new feelings, new realizations and new experiences in my life. She is none other than Psalm Isadora. 

I have joined her online Masterclasses and one that profoundly made a positive, or rather a mind-blowing impact in the way I perceive life and sexuality and divinity was Tantra: The Art of Sacred Sexuality about a month ago. 

She was a goddess with the spirit of a warrior.There are only a handful of women warriors in the world. I want to be one of them.

For years, 5 years to be exact,  I have been a cold, unfeeling woman who always told myself that I don't need sex or intimacy with a man to complete myself. While most of it is true, I say all that to say, I became a non-sexual person. My former co-workers and friends would always ask and tease me if I ever had the urge to look for it since I have been single straight for 5 years. I would immediately dismiss any advances the human male species would give me. Or maybe, they just didn't stir my interest. Or my soul.

I wasn't always like that. It might have started when I become too enclosed in my hurt bubble. I nurtured all the pain I felt in my heart because of all the bad things that happened to me. The trauma that I had during my childhood was so bad it destroyed my self-esteem, and brought me a lot of shame. A shame that I carried with me over to my entire adult life. My body shame was bad  I could not even be comfortable with taking my clothes off for a simple body massage.

I resorted to cutting. I have the scars on my body to prove it.

I could totally understand and relate what Psalm is talking about how we need sexual healing. Her story totally resonated with me. That's why what she taught was very powerful to me.

At 16, I was molested by someone close to me. At that same year, I was also on the verge of getting raped by a man we trusted, had my boyfriend not come to the rescue. This incident has brought me more shame. Even though the only people who knew about it was my boyfriend, his dad (who was urging me to file charges and I said no, because of the scandal it will bring to the family) , and my siblings.

Because of these incidents, I got pregnant before my 18th birthday. I got sexually involved with my boyfriend. And then came a series of broken relationships and my life was just a blur of memories, some I can't even recall. And even though I already had children, the more that my life came spiraling down with depression. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and I was even suspected of being bipolar.

I had two miscarriages from the two men I did truly loved and fathered my children. But during these two moments, they were not beside me. One chose to be with his friends, the other chose to be with his parents. Was I that unimportant to them? And so after the last miscarriage I had, I told myself that I won't let anyone touch me or my body again. Because it just hurts so much to think that they only wanted my body for their personal gratification. And yet when my body was near-death, they chose somebody else over the one that had served them most.

I told myself over and over again that I do not need sex or any intimacy with a man in my life again. I mean, it wasn't THAT important. I was not one of those women that treated sex like they would with oxygen or food.


But I realized I was only fooling myself. Because it is by nature that human beings does need sex at some point, for scientific or health reasons, or whatever. As soon as I acknowledged this, I started to think about it more and more. And through Mindvalley, I stumbled upon Psalm's masterclass.

Although it was a free masterclass (I did consider signing up for the full program, but forgotten about it), I learned a lot. First, how to create intimacy with others and the most important thing was changing my ideas about sex and sexuality.

It was like she unleashed the goddess or the siren in me. I felt vibrant and alive and I became more open to alternative ways on how to enjoy intimacy with the person I loved and wanted although he was far away. I gained a whole lot of a new kind of confidence, one that I knew I would not have gotten on my own.

I also noticed that I have become a more loving mom to my kids. 

And I am ever so thankful to Psalm for opening that part of me with her Tantric techniques, the breathing techniques, among others. It's time to practice those things that I learned from her. She is a goddess personified. I want to emulate her, to believe in what she believed in about sexuality and divinity. Her passing should not let her teachings stop.

And it is true that meditation is orgasmic. I don't know but during one of my coaching calls with  a Transcendental Meditation Practitioner, we had this guided meditation and when she asked me how I felt afterwards, I told her that I felt like I had an orgasm.

Psalm's masterclass did open a whole new world on my sexuality and released all those blockages that was keeping me from being a more loving and sensual person.
And with her passing, her students grieved. I am one of those who are deeply affected because I know that she is a tough act to follow.

Check out MindBodyGreen's post in her memory.


Now I am more confident about my sexuality and I don't care what people say or think about me. I will do what makes me happy and what makes me feel good.

These past few weeks, I became more and more aware and confident about my sexuality, being vocal about what I want and what I do not want. Maybe I am just maturing into one of those sensual women, and I am loving it.

I am loving this whole new feeling of being in touch with my inner self, with my sensuality and sexuality. I can't help but think that when she passed away over the weekend, her spirit visited her students and spread all her sensuality and sexuality to them, including me .

Rest in peace.

Here are some of my favorite talks of Psalm Isadora.

How Sacred Sexuality Heals Shame and Trauma

 Heart Meditation by Psalm Isadora

P.S.

Just in time for this awakening, I am blessed to have someone right now who I know will walk and hold my hand as I go through this journey of exploring more of my sexuality, sensuality and love.

xoxo,

-mei