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| Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash |
If you're like 40ish like me, I bet you have someone you call your Totga, except if you are NBSB (no boyfriend since birth). Sometimes we can't but help think of that one person whom we think is our TOTGA or the one that got away. Haha, I am a sucker for all these "millenial" terminology.
The term "the one that got away" has been on my mind for quite sometime when a friend of mine mentioned it when we were talking about relationships that were once sweet but turned sour. Yes, sour is better than "bitter".
I thought about the totga in my life, and I haven't really considered someone as that person, until lately, when I really reflected on it. Not that it's important now, but you see, when you think about how you missed seeing those opportunities in the past, it gives you a very important life lesson. You learn how to open your eyes and give people and situations a second chance or whatever number of chances your heart can give.
I was someone's totga, I should say not once but twice, if only for the fact that they knew I was someone that they wanted, yet they missed the chance to make it a reality. My children's dad proposed to me twice, but I never felt that it was the right thing to do, to say "yes."
The ring was there, but sadly the moment wasn't. I felt that we can't fix a relationship by marrying each other, when we were in the middle of a crisis. I thought that fixing the crisis first was essential before marrying each other.
The other one, I guess, would be the one who went all the way to another country (where I was at) to see me and talk to me so he could decide whether to marry the one he was with (who, I was told was pregnant at that time).
I didn't give him a chance to speak, my mind was closed. I have made my decision. My mistake was in not giving the benefit of the doubt and in not giving a chance to hear what he has to say. I can't imagine how it was difficult for him to face a woman who he thought was the one, and then just to be rejected without even listening to what he has to say.
I knew about this lately when we had the chance to talk to each other. It was supposedly a closure for some unfinished business we had in the past. But then because we were both single when it happened, it opened a new opportunity for us to reconnect and tried to rekindle the flame. At least for me , it was. I would not know what his real motive or intention for adding another chapter to our story.
1. Don't live in the past. Be in the moment.
But then, when you dive into some sort of an unlabeled relationship with baggages, it is bound to fail. What I mean about extra baggage is our connection from the past. I think that both of us were still having a case of the "what ifs" and "why nots". The past was brought up most of the time when we talk and have our intimate moments online. You can be intimate or connect with someone even when you are not physically together.
Sometimes, I can't help but think that maybe he was trying to relive everything we had, or he was just trying to get even at me especially if that moment was really significant to him. Maybe he really did wanted to try if we could still work it out. But then both of us don't know where to put "us" in our lives right now.
I don't know. I always tell myself I can't make up excuses for someone's action.
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| Photo by Redd Angelo on Unsplash |
So the disadvantage about reconnecting with your totga is that, it could bring you another heartache. Before you do that, make sure you are clear about your intentions. Don't go into an unlabeled relationship with your totga if you are not sure about what you are doing.
If you should continue where you left off, make sure that you do not live in the past. Acknowledge that time changes people. For us, it took 20 years to reconnect. It was crazy to think he was still the same person he said he was 20 years ago. Things change. People change. I changed too. But then, just like before, I believed him.
3. Guard your heart.
If you have a flirty heart like mine that easily fall in love with someone who treats me well, then don't even dare go into that situation. I know I was so vulnerable being single for 5 straight years. And I went all out on the first person who showed interest in me.
I am not angry, I can't even make myself mad at him or what happened because at the back of my mind, this was bound to happen. I also played along. What made it bad was that I was starting to have deep feelings, even more than how I felt 20years ago.
This is an all-stop sign.
Then it happened. Maybe it was for the best for both of us, because admittedly, I am not ready for that part of my life yet. I want it to be just the way it should be..uncomplicated. And complicated is how I could define the kind of relationship we'd have.
4. Be thankful for the chance and acknowledge the lessons.
But still, I am thankful this happened. This is a big life lesson for me. I now give the benefit of the doubt and a listening ear to someone who has something to say to me.We do not know how a specific action we do can affect someone's life.
In general, we can sometimes be careless with our words and actions that we don't know how it scars another person, or how it can ruin someone's holiday, whatever. Maybe he did got the closure he was looking for, at my expense. But I don't feel any hatred towards him, because I know I didn't lose something from this situation. Instead, I gained something.
I learned a lot. I learned how I can have so much passion for something. I have grown and matured in the last eight months. I am even thankful for this because I now know what kind of person I would want to be with in the future, and that I can't settle for anybody who doesn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
I am not closing doors just like I did with the others as long as they are not married yet.
Regrets? No regrets always. Everything is a lesson to become a better version of you.
5. Never give up on love.
Life is beautiful, even with all the pain it sometimes bring. Maybe I am just so idealistic about love, and marriage, which I am still now. I have four kids from two failed relationships and yet I still believe that there is that one person out there for me. I don't lose hope. Because I believe that we are all deserving of loving and being loved in return. No relationship is perfect, but every relationship is worth a try.
My soulmate is out there. And soon we will meet, I know.
Love,
Marianne
P.S.
He is my 'totga' too!
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