This post originally was written in Facebook Page notes.
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.
In 2009,
I woke up in a hospital bed, surviving my nth suicide attempt. I can’t remember
how many times I have tried to end it all. I have tried it all, cutting,
popping pills, drinking poison, but nothing was successful in allowing me to
die.
I
remember feeling this way since high school. Anxious, melancholic, stressed,
but it was only in 2009 that I finally had a name for this. I was diagnosed
with Clinical Depression, under assessment for Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic
tendencies.
Many of
us feel depressed, but not to the point that we would like to find a solution
for it. We don’t even know what the symptoms are. But if there’s one thing I
can vouch for it is that depression is real.
It is not
a “state-of-mind” that one can easily forget and shift to another thought.
It is not
a sign of weakness as one of my friends would like to call it. He has forgotten
the fact that once upon a time, he went into depression, too. Or so he thought.
Maybe it was how he saw himself when he was depressed..weak. I can’t judge.
It is not
an attention-seeking strategy for the “me,me,me” type of person. But hey, I
have experienced being called as those three I mentioned. “Papansin”,
“luka-luka” and “mahina”.
Why am I
telling the world about this? Why am I opening up about my “sins”? If you think
being depressed is a “sin”, or any of those three that I mentioned earlier,
then you my dear, is a contributing factor in the rising number of suicides
happening in the world, whether intentionally, or unintentionally. Like it or
not.
If
there’s one thing I regretted while I was deep in my depression years ago, that
would be how I unintentionally neglected my children because I was trying to
come up to terms with what was happening to me. People saw me as selfish
because I was so self-absorbed in my own world that I had forgotten the most
important people in my life. Relationships failed..with my partner and with
some family members.
But it
was also because of my children that I had found a reason to fight. I fought
for so many things. I fought for my rights as a mother. I fought for my
children. I fought for my sanity. I fought for my life. And now, I am fighting
for my future, me and my children’s future.
I am 41 now
and I am still standing here, alive and still fighting for life. Sometimes,
life can be suffocating but it is worth living. Look around you, there are many
reasons why you should fight for your sanity, for your life.
It is not
enough, it is somewhat inappropriate for others to say that suicide does not
end the hurt but is just passed on. While it may be true for the families and
loved ones of suicide victims, it does nothing to the depressed.
At that
point where you are suicidal, you don’t think about the others. You only think
about yourself, and how it would be a better world without you.
So I
think the best way to stop a suicidal person is to show them the beauty of the
world, to help them see the world with new eyes, to show that the world still
needs them and that they can still contribute a lot to the world. Help them
find their purpose and mission in life. And just listen to them. Listen to
their story.
And to
you who is feeling suicidal right now. I understand you. I know where you are
coming from. I feel you. But life has a lot to offer still. The future may look
so dim right now, but trust me, there is hope. Seek help. Do not be afraid to
seek the help from professionals.
The road
to recovery may be long, I would know because I have been fighting this for
about 40 years, right? But I am still standing ..alive.. And there is always
HOPE.
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