Watching the Lake House on HBO makes me want to believe in love again, and inspired me to write!
I love watching movies, especially ones that are about love (and with Keanu in it). The Lake House is not a romcom, in fact, there's no part in that movie that would make you laugh. It's a lonely story. The characters are both lonely people who are looking for love. The entire mood of the movie is actually somewhat kind of sad, but the magic of it is - it makes you believe and fall in love again. What it is -is actually a story about how love transcends time.
I'm someone who used to believe in love, romantic love anyway, but over the years, I have learned to suppress any feelings of anything that is somewhere closer to love. Maybe I just had my heart broken too many times that I have this fear of giving away a part of me to someone again. After being a single mom, it took me 5 long years to finally be able to trust a man again. And after 3 years, I lost it again. Turns out I was the only one in it. It was more of a "situationship" than a relationship. So many secrets, so many lies. But this time, while the betrayal and confusion was more intense than my first 2 serious relationships, I didn't cry. I couldn't. How can I cry for something that wasn't real anyway? How can I grieve for a lost relationship when I never had one?
I may not have grieved about that loss but it doesn't mean it didn't scar me in any way. Yes, I still had my heart broken, but I know how to handle it this time. This is the first time I am writing about it anyway. Maybe I've tried to avoid confronting my feelings, maybe not. I don't know, I just don't feel anything. It's not because I didn't have anyone wanting to be with me, there were two actually, both younger than me. I avoid the idea of me being with a man way younger than me. The father of my children actually is 2 years younger than me, but these two men are 6-7 years younger. Maybe I just wanted to feel being wanted again, but not wanting the relationship thing at all. I am sorry if I somehow led them on. I thought I was ready, but I wasn't.
Watching The Lake House has broken that wall I've built around my self. I kept myself hidden for a long time, it's been 2 years already since I ended it. Maybe it's the right time now. I've always avoided confronting my feelings maybe because I still wanted to preserve some of the memories. But I can't stay stoic and unfeeling all the time. At one point, I have to break so I can make myself whole again.
And so today marks that day when I will be open to everything new in my life.
- I am opening myself to new experiences, to new relationships, new adventures.
- I am opening myself to love in the way I wanted it to be.
- I am opening myself to people and believe that age is just a number, and that I cannot deny myself of the happiness someone is willing to give me, no matter how much the age difference.
- I am opening myself to believing more that I deserve love in the way that love is supposed to be.
- I am opening myself to dreaming again the good dreams for myself and my children.
I don't really make resolutions, and this isn't one, but this is going to be my point of reference at the end of the year to see how much I will grow in the love and relationship department.
I'm setting myself with high expectations. You can help me by wishing me luck and sending some prayers for me and my kids.
XoXo,
Mei
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