Writing has been difficult for me lately, so with coming to terms with my emotions. The worst part of being busy, is becoming a robot. We tend to do things habitually, almost like being mechanical to maximize our time. Listening to your breathing would come only secondary, just like getting attuned to your emotions. We got lost in the things that we deem priorities.
Digging deep inside, I realized I have so much emotions buried under layers and layers of cholesterol in my heart, intentionally or unintentionally. I've become so passive at things and events that there are moments I ask myself if I still care at all.
I know I said I don't want to talk about my past again. But I will never move forward without facing and dealing an important issue or person in my past. This is all about mending fences and mending hearts. A past that is an open secret, but which I never get to mention much. I have avoided the topic for years, but I guess, the time to face it once and for all is now.
I am talking about a past that bore a flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood. A son. My curiousity and naiveity gave me a son, borne out of the passion of first love's romance. Because I have to work in another country and process my citizenship which never became a success I left him to grow up with his dad, never anticipating that we will be estranged forever.
He grew up never knowing the real me, but the description of the family he came to love describe of me, full of biases and prejudice. I grew too without really knowing the real person that he was.All I could see in him was my hatred for his dad and his family members. And that lead me to not feel anything for him.
You might say, how could that be? Mothers would always feel something for their children. It is true. But it is a very unfamiliar feeling. And when I tread on unfamiliar waters, I panic, I feel anxious and depressed. Thinking about it lately, I realized I never really gave him the chance to know me . And I never really gave myself the chance to know more about him.
Although there were instances where I get to see him when he would go with his grandma to meet my other daughter Margareth. Come to think of it, I never really thought why I have to bring Margareth to them, when they could have told him to stay with me, since his sister was with me. They were still afraid that he might like it having me and his sister around.
Nineteen years ago, I did what I thought was enough and the best for him. I was only 17 when I got pregnant, what do I know about life? In fact, I was a coward not to face the responsibility that I was presented with the coming of a new person in my life.
Now, he is a grown-up man, but the memory I have of him in my mind is that of a 3 year old, the last time I really nurtured and took care of him for the longest time. That is the only time I ever did had the chance of taking care of him. But because of the situation I was in with his dad, we got separated from each other again. I had the chance to take him away by force in those days, but when I saw how much he was hurt from the pulling between me and his grandma and dad, I have to let go of him.
I know the consequences for these and I have already experienced it when I got a message condemning me and calling me a bad mother. The worst thing a woman have to go through is to be called a bad mother. It hurt so much, because I know what he said was true. I have not been a good mother to him. His words slapped me, but I know I deserve it.
But I've tried so many times to finally have him stay with me. I just never really thought of going to court at that time.I was so young and still do not have a plan for the future.
I know he may never understand my reasons why we are in this situation, why things happened how it had happened.I know that he may never forgive me for all the hurt, the confusion, the humiliation he must have felt during his childhood, of being taunted by people, by being discriminated, by being teased upon, just because he doesn't have a mother. I wish I could find a way to turn back time to undo what I did wrong. But then, I would not have the other three kids who are my life now.
Life is also full of choices. In everything we do we should always be careful about the choices we make. There are some that we can undo, but more of the ones that we cannot.
I hope that he is happy where he's at right now. He has found a mother, after his grandmother died, a step-mom, whom I would be grateful for treating him as one of her own. But I am here, prepping up for the day when he will finally choose to stay with me and his siblings.
Agree with me or not, but I'd say that every mother has her own language that only her children can understand. But since he didn't grow up with me, I don't expect him to understand me at all.
At the end of the day, it's only God who knows where we are all heading for. Only He knows if we would ever be able to live together.
In 2008, I had the courage to write a letter to him, through my blog, one of the very first posts I made called "Letter for the Lonely Little Boy".
" i know it's been a while since we last saw each other.in a week, it's your birthday and you will no longer be the little boy that i knew.time passed by, but the memories of yesterday still lives in my mind and the pain still remained in my heart...the pain of having to leave you.
i remember when i had you inside of me, moving around in circles,with your every kick, a kick to my heart.you were such in a hurry to see the world, anticipating that the world is such a beautiful and a happy place, only to find out that this very world brought you loneliness and pain.."
Read more ...
Keeping the faith,
Digging deep inside, I realized I have so much emotions buried under layers and layers of cholesterol in my heart, intentionally or unintentionally. I've become so passive at things and events that there are moments I ask myself if I still care at all.
I know I said I don't want to talk about my past again. But I will never move forward without facing and dealing an important issue or person in my past. This is all about mending fences and mending hearts. A past that is an open secret, but which I never get to mention much. I have avoided the topic for years, but I guess, the time to face it once and for all is now.
I am talking about a past that bore a flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood. A son. My curiousity and naiveity gave me a son, borne out of the passion of first love's romance. Because I have to work in another country and process my citizenship which never became a success I left him to grow up with his dad, never anticipating that we will be estranged forever.
He grew up never knowing the real me, but the description of the family he came to love describe of me, full of biases and prejudice. I grew too without really knowing the real person that he was.All I could see in him was my hatred for his dad and his family members. And that lead me to not feel anything for him.
You might say, how could that be? Mothers would always feel something for their children. It is true. But it is a very unfamiliar feeling. And when I tread on unfamiliar waters, I panic, I feel anxious and depressed. Thinking about it lately, I realized I never really gave him the chance to know me . And I never really gave myself the chance to know more about him.
Although there were instances where I get to see him when he would go with his grandma to meet my other daughter Margareth. Come to think of it, I never really thought why I have to bring Margareth to them, when they could have told him to stay with me, since his sister was with me. They were still afraid that he might like it having me and his sister around.
Nineteen years ago, I did what I thought was enough and the best for him. I was only 17 when I got pregnant, what do I know about life? In fact, I was a coward not to face the responsibility that I was presented with the coming of a new person in my life.
Now, he is a grown-up man, but the memory I have of him in my mind is that of a 3 year old, the last time I really nurtured and took care of him for the longest time. That is the only time I ever did had the chance of taking care of him. But because of the situation I was in with his dad, we got separated from each other again. I had the chance to take him away by force in those days, but when I saw how much he was hurt from the pulling between me and his grandma and dad, I have to let go of him.
I know the consequences for these and I have already experienced it when I got a message condemning me and calling me a bad mother. The worst thing a woman have to go through is to be called a bad mother. It hurt so much, because I know what he said was true. I have not been a good mother to him. His words slapped me, but I know I deserve it.
But I've tried so many times to finally have him stay with me. I just never really thought of going to court at that time.I was so young and still do not have a plan for the future.
I know he may never understand my reasons why we are in this situation, why things happened how it had happened.I know that he may never forgive me for all the hurt, the confusion, the humiliation he must have felt during his childhood, of being taunted by people, by being discriminated, by being teased upon, just because he doesn't have a mother. I wish I could find a way to turn back time to undo what I did wrong. But then, I would not have the other three kids who are my life now.
Life is a sacrifice. And those who got sacrificed, the sacrificial lambs are the ones who suffered for another person's choice. It's sad how one person's choice, especially a bad one can ultimately change another person's life forever.
Life is also full of choices. In everything we do we should always be careful about the choices we make. There are some that we can undo, but more of the ones that we cannot.
I hope that he is happy where he's at right now. He has found a mother, after his grandmother died, a step-mom, whom I would be grateful for treating him as one of her own. But I am here, prepping up for the day when he will finally choose to stay with me and his siblings.
Agree with me or not, but I'd say that every mother has her own language that only her children can understand. But since he didn't grow up with me, I don't expect him to understand me at all.
At the end of the day, it's only God who knows where we are all heading for. Only He knows if we would ever be able to live together.
In 2008, I had the courage to write a letter to him, through my blog, one of the very first posts I made called "Letter for the Lonely Little Boy".
" i know it's been a while since we last saw each other.in a week, it's your birthday and you will no longer be the little boy that i knew.time passed by, but the memories of yesterday still lives in my mind and the pain still remained in my heart...the pain of having to leave you.
i remember when i had you inside of me, moving around in circles,with your every kick, a kick to my heart.you were such in a hurry to see the world, anticipating that the world is such a beautiful and a happy place, only to find out that this very world brought you loneliness and pain.."
Read more ...
Keeping the faith,
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